What It Feels Like For A Girl

(November, 2013)

This is what it’s like:
You look into his eyes and you know
that he will use you
and that you will let him because
it’s better than being alone.

This is what it’s like:
It is seeing through and listening to a lot of nice things
you know they don’t mean.
For instance, “sweet” really means naive and
“cute” really means
You will never be beautiful
But I will fuck you anyway.

This is what it’s like:
It is all frogs and almost no princes.
It is kissing and kissing and waiting
for some kind of transformation to occur
which it never does so
you spread your legs because
you want to come.
You want something more than that, too.
You just want to feel something real
after so much numbness.

This is what it’s like.
It is lying in bed alone at night,
staring up at the ceiling and knowing
that the man who says he wants you to touch him
is fucking someone else right now
but that is simply part of it these days and
if you could be fucking someone else, too
you would be.
Still, it eats at you,
with tiny gnawing teeth and while
you don’t mind biting as a general rule
it is this slow devouring of yourself
that you can not stand.

It is throwing yourself upon hard bodies and coming back bruised.
It is putting your heart up on the shelf
above where you hang your keys before heading out for the night
so that you will not smash it against his
breaking either
or both.

Mostly,
it is wishing things were different.
That you had more of that elusive Something
or at least less Feeling inside you so that maybe
then you could be happy instead of
having cocks shoved down your throat by boys
who will not call you
after.

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